The older I get, the more the longing for my Mother intensifies. Currently, I have been going through some intense personal challenges and I need to see her, hear her, and feel her love for me, in a tangible way. But that is not possible.
She transitioned from a physical state many years ago. I do not say I lost her, because I would never be so careless as to misplace such a valuable treasure. I do not say she is dead, because there is no way someone whose influence and spirit is still so very vibrant could be considered 'dead'. However, the one point that is not debatable is how much I miss the one-on-one interaction and communion we once shared so effortlessly.
I miss her voice, her wry sense of humor. I miss her strength and faith in God, and in me. I miss her hands, so beautiful and elegant. But most of all, I miss her unconditional love; the love that only a good mother can give so freely from the the heart.
Don't get me cockeyed; we were not always bosom buddies. In fact, I fought her tooth and nail growing up. Note that I don't say 'WE' fought. My mother always made it perfectly clear that she was not even remotely interested in participating in my angst fueled rebellion; besides, she was always going to be the winner no matter what.
Her consistent response to my tirade du jour was 'you'll need me before I'll need you', which was based on the golden rule (he who has the gold, rules). And she was right. No sooner than I would declare her excommunicated from the church of Sheri, something would ALWAYS come up where I would need her. I would then slink back and fall on the sword of my stupidity and ingratitude, once again.
My Mother was a very intelligent and wise person. I 'kind of' knew it through my youth and I am 100% positive now that I am both an adult and a mother. She was an avid reader and devotee of all things that added intellectual and spiritual dimension to one's self. She was compassionate, yet firm. And she was the most responsible and tolerant person I will ever know.
Perhaps the most impressive of her gifts was her innate ability to 'know' people. I can remember her giving me insights and admonitions regarding the various people I would let into my life, and I almost never took her advice to heart. I figured she was so out of touch, what could she possible know??!! How foolishly I negated her years of living and experience mixed with her love and protective nature for me.
And as sure as the sun shines, the one's she said would hurt me, did. The one's she vehemently disliked, I sought out the most and paid dearly for it in the end. The ones she liked, I am still friends with to this day.
Some of the lessons she taught me I learned at her feet; some when I moved away, but could still share with her by phone or letter. Some did not manifest until she was gone, yet I still share the epiphany moment with her in a sacred exchange, spirit to spirit.
My greatest joy is that I was able to let her know how much I loved her and appreciated her while she was still in this realm. She saw that I had shed the temporal skin of youthful foolishness and took on the mantle of young womanhood. She met, approved, and loved my husband, and she left this earth knowing I was anchored in Christ, as well as being the strong, loving,and dynamic woman that she formed me to be.
My greatest sadness is that she never met my beautiful and miraculous baby girl, who is growing into such a fine person and whom I know she would have loved so intensely. I am also saddened that my daughter will never experience the privilege of sharing time and space with such a force of nature that was my mother.
However, the legacy that is my mother is as real as the words I am keying and you are reading. She is materialized in the image and inspiration that we are sharing through this forum. She is as real as the stories I tell my daughter about her. She is the voice that comes from my love, fear, and anger as I raise this girl-child. And most of all, she is the laugh in my ears when I hear her say to me 'I told you so', as I , myself, continue my journey from child to woman.
Oh, and did I fail to mention that I was adopted? This was an intentional positioning of this fact within this narrative, because that semantical point has always been a footnote in my life.
My mother, Etta Jean Taylor, was and will always be the true essence of what a mother is. Not based on biological mandate; but by the milk of kindness and the nurturing of the heart that designates motherhood in its purest form.
She set my feet firmly on the path of life, anchored in the confidence that I was armed with all I would ever need to succeed, and the critical understanding that this knowlege and power was IN ME, and never, ever in something or someone else.
She was my hero and my best friend and she was a true trip, trust me on that!
I pray that when it is my time to leave this physical life for my eternal one, that my daughter will remember me in the same way. I can rest in that, as well as with the faith that I will see my own mother again.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
These are a few of my favorite things...
Have you ever taken the time to simply focus on specific things that you like, and are grateful for?
Sometime when I have trouble sleeping, decompressing, or just want a 'warm-fuzzy' moment, I tend to mentally itemize things that have special meaning to me.
As a chronic list writer, I decided to document these thoughts for my daughter. I woke up in the wee hours of a morning, went in another room, turned on a soft light, and let my mind go. It was such a great opportunity to delve into my own self-awareness.
If you have never done this, I urge you to do so.
Not just in your mind, but releasing these positive thoughts, these things that make you happy, into your physical and personal space. Write them down and keep them somewhere where you can access them in times when positive thoughts are needed to soothe and inspire you.
Good things:
Yahweh, the Bible, prayer, my daughter and husband, babies hands and feet, shaved legs rubbing against high thread count sheets, live theater, favorite songs, Autumn, rain, the perfect lip balm, MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, cards in the mail, BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS, cut grass, first day of school, first snows, NYC!!!, accomplishments, honesty, poetry, kisses, new car smell, shoes that fit perfectly, silver, Mont Blanc writing instruments, football, condiments, cook out food, seafood, comfort food, free food, home made baked goods, showers, massages, clean clothes, good moisturizer, lotion, nakedness, nail polish, toe rings, fresh fruit, cool air, summer nights, silk, vegetables, PIZZA, cats, puppies, ladybugs, reunions, encouragement, birthdays, shopping, laughter, memories, peppers, lemonade, cider, hot tea served from a tea pot, sangria, sandals, trust, friendship, epiphanies, pie, strength, cleanliness, hand made jewelry, humor, snuggling, nice hotels, socks, chocolate, isotoner gloves, private jokes, public abandon , neti pots, incense, hot sauce,old movies, hugs, solitude, plants, and tears.
Whew!
Once I was finished, it was almost as if in reading the list, I was able to step outside myself and look at me, from the outside looking in. What started out as brainstorming became release. What resulted from release was a patchwork quilt of my 'me-ness'; the me that I know and love. The best parts of me.
These thoughts make me feel happy every time I revisit them.
I could have filled a notebook with these thoughts, an pehaps that is just what I will do
Sometime when I have trouble sleeping, decompressing, or just want a 'warm-fuzzy' moment, I tend to mentally itemize things that have special meaning to me.
As a chronic list writer, I decided to document these thoughts for my daughter. I woke up in the wee hours of a morning, went in another room, turned on a soft light, and let my mind go. It was such a great opportunity to delve into my own self-awareness.
If you have never done this, I urge you to do so.
Not just in your mind, but releasing these positive thoughts, these things that make you happy, into your physical and personal space. Write them down and keep them somewhere where you can access them in times when positive thoughts are needed to soothe and inspire you.
Good things:
Yahweh, the Bible, prayer, my daughter and husband, babies hands and feet, shaved legs rubbing against high thread count sheets, live theater, favorite songs, Autumn, rain, the perfect lip balm, MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, cards in the mail, BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS, cut grass, first day of school, first snows, NYC!!!, accomplishments, honesty, poetry, kisses, new car smell, shoes that fit perfectly, silver, Mont Blanc writing instruments, football, condiments, cook out food, seafood, comfort food, free food, home made baked goods, showers, massages, clean clothes, good moisturizer, lotion, nakedness, nail polish, toe rings, fresh fruit, cool air, summer nights, silk, vegetables, PIZZA, cats, puppies, ladybugs, reunions, encouragement, birthdays, shopping, laughter, memories, peppers, lemonade, cider, hot tea served from a tea pot, sangria, sandals, trust, friendship, epiphanies, pie, strength, cleanliness, hand made jewelry, humor, snuggling, nice hotels, socks, chocolate, isotoner gloves, private jokes, public abandon , neti pots, incense, hot sauce,old movies, hugs, solitude, plants, and tears.
Whew!
Once I was finished, it was almost as if in reading the list, I was able to step outside myself and look at me, from the outside looking in. What started out as brainstorming became release. What resulted from release was a patchwork quilt of my 'me-ness'; the me that I know and love. The best parts of me.
These thoughts make me feel happy every time I revisit them.
I could have filled a notebook with these thoughts, an pehaps that is just what I will do
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Roll over, Rover!
So, we face a new year! 2011!!
Fresh start (yayyyy!!!), new resolutions (groan..), Carpe Novum!!!
Well, I decided to test drive this new year and a week later, I have determined that I like it and will keep it.
'New' is always such a provocative word. It can be favorable, or negative. It can represent an exciting possibility, or an intimidating challenge. Just saying the word 'new' invokes a variety of emotions and connections.
There are so many sayings regarding new. One in particular that I hear a lot is 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.
The older I get, the less I agree.
As a young pup, I was of the impression that the older you got the more you were 'set in your ways'. The perception of adults was that they were unwilling or unable to 'do new' and appreciate newness unless they were forced into it, especially the older you got.
Grownups resented being pushed into uncharted territory, having their hard won comfort zones compromised. Only the young are brave, fearless, and seeking the next big rush. Old meant stuck or stale. Youth meant fresh and fluid.
Bull crap!
The whateverwhomever that put these preconceptions in my head was DEAD WRONG!
I first got the hint that there was a flaw to this theory when I took a water aerobics class, when my daughter was around 1 year old. I worked from home, was a first time mother, and still in a post partum fog, so I figured I would find something to get me in shape and out of the house.
I joined a morning water fitness class at the local YWCA. My first session had me entering the the pool area at an ungodly 6 am. Scattered around the water's surface was what appeared to be a lake filed with aging lily pads.
My REM-envied vision cleared slowly to reveal a myriad of brightly colored swim suites and little bobbing grey heads. The only one in the class that was under 70 was me, a 35 year old , lactating, hormonal mess, and the 50-something instructor. My first thought was 'so this is what I am reduced to? Working out with the grey panthers ??!!??' I wasn't sure if I should laugh, or cry.
During warm up it became clear very quickly that not only was I NOT going to be the star pupil in this class, but that I had GREATLY underestimated these ladies regarding their fitness, their exuberance, their everything.
That class became one of my favorite hours of the day, and I met the most amazing women who shared so much of themselves with each move, laugh, and story. These silver mermaids adopted me and taught me that not only is there still fire in the furnace when there is snow on the roof, but that age is truly irrelevant when you achieve and maintain youth in your heart and soul.
I have also learned, as my journey continues, that the older I get, the more critical it is for me to embrace the new.
New equals change, and each day/month/year we live, we face change and are renewed with every second, every hour, every breath and heart beat.
Whether you meet new with bravery, excitement, and anticipation, or with fear, doubt, and resentment, new will still happen.
So, really, its not age that affects how you do new, its your attitude and your heart. And that rule can be applied to everyone regardless of how old you are.
Everyday, we are all new again and new never gets old.
Will you?
Fresh start (yayyyy!!!), new resolutions (groan..), Carpe Novum!!!
Well, I decided to test drive this new year and a week later, I have determined that I like it and will keep it.
'New' is always such a provocative word. It can be favorable, or negative. It can represent an exciting possibility, or an intimidating challenge. Just saying the word 'new' invokes a variety of emotions and connections.
There are so many sayings regarding new. One in particular that I hear a lot is 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.
The older I get, the less I agree.
As a young pup, I was of the impression that the older you got the more you were 'set in your ways'. The perception of adults was that they were unwilling or unable to 'do new' and appreciate newness unless they were forced into it, especially the older you got.
Grownups resented being pushed into uncharted territory, having their hard won comfort zones compromised. Only the young are brave, fearless, and seeking the next big rush. Old meant stuck or stale. Youth meant fresh and fluid.
Bull crap!
The whateverwhomever that put these preconceptions in my head was DEAD WRONG!
I first got the hint that there was a flaw to this theory when I took a water aerobics class, when my daughter was around 1 year old. I worked from home, was a first time mother, and still in a post partum fog, so I figured I would find something to get me in shape and out of the house.
I joined a morning water fitness class at the local YWCA. My first session had me entering the the pool area at an ungodly 6 am. Scattered around the water's surface was what appeared to be a lake filed with aging lily pads.
My REM-envied vision cleared slowly to reveal a myriad of brightly colored swim suites and little bobbing grey heads. The only one in the class that was under 70 was me, a 35 year old , lactating, hormonal mess, and the 50-something instructor. My first thought was 'so this is what I am reduced to? Working out with the grey panthers ??!!??' I wasn't sure if I should laugh, or cry.
During warm up it became clear very quickly that not only was I NOT going to be the star pupil in this class, but that I had GREATLY underestimated these ladies regarding their fitness, their exuberance, their everything.
That class became one of my favorite hours of the day, and I met the most amazing women who shared so much of themselves with each move, laugh, and story. These silver mermaids adopted me and taught me that not only is there still fire in the furnace when there is snow on the roof, but that age is truly irrelevant when you achieve and maintain youth in your heart and soul.
I have also learned, as my journey continues, that the older I get, the more critical it is for me to embrace the new.
New equals change, and each day/month/year we live, we face change and are renewed with every second, every hour, every breath and heart beat.
Whether you meet new with bravery, excitement, and anticipation, or with fear, doubt, and resentment, new will still happen.
So, really, its not age that affects how you do new, its your attitude and your heart. And that rule can be applied to everyone regardless of how old you are.
Everyday, we are all new again and new never gets old.
Will you?
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