My momma told me...

The older I get, the more the longing for my Mother intensifies. Currently, I have been going through some intense personal challenges and I need to see her, hear her, and feel her love for me, in a tangible way. But that is not possible.

She transitioned from a physical state many years ago. I do not say I lost her, because I would never be so careless as to misplace such a valuable treasure. I do not say she is dead, because there is no way someone whose influence and spirit is still so very vibrant could be considered 'dead'. However, the one point that is not debatable is how much I miss the one-on-one interaction and communion we once shared so effortlessly.

I miss her voice, her wry sense of humor. I miss her strength and faith in God, and in me. I miss her hands, so beautiful and elegant. But most of all, I miss her unconditional love; the love that only a good mother can give so freely from the the heart.

Don't get me cockeyed; we were not always bosom buddies. In fact, I fought her tooth and nail growing up. Note that I don't say 'WE' fought. My mother always made it perfectly clear that she was not even remotely interested in participating in my angst fueled rebellion; besides, she was always going to be the winner no matter what.

Her consistent response to my tirade du jour was  'you'll need me before I'll need you', which was based on the golden rule (he who has the gold, rules). And she was right. No sooner than I would declare her excommunicated from the church of Sheri, something would ALWAYS come up where I would need her. I would then slink back and fall on the sword of my stupidity and ingratitude, once again.

My Mother was a very intelligent and wise person. I 'kind of' knew it through my youth and I am 100% positive now that I am both an adult and a mother. She was an avid reader and devotee of all things that added intellectual and spiritual dimension to one's self. She was compassionate, yet firm. And she was the most responsible and tolerant person I will ever know.

Perhaps the most impressive of her gifts was her innate ability to 'know' people. I can remember her giving me insights and admonitions regarding the various people I would let into my life, and I almost never took her advice to heart. I figured she was so out of touch, what could she possible know??!! How foolishly I negated her years of living and experience mixed with her love and protective nature for me.

And as sure as the sun shines, the one's she said would hurt me, did. The one's she vehemently disliked, I sought out the most and paid dearly for it in the end. The ones she liked, I am still friends with to this day.

Some of the lessons she taught me I learned at her feet; some when I moved away, but could still share with her by phone or letter. Some did not manifest until she was gone, yet I still share the epiphany moment with her in a sacred exchange, spirit to spirit.

My greatest joy is that I was able to let her know how much I loved her and appreciated her while she was still in this realm. She saw that I had shed the temporal skin of youthful foolishness and took on the mantle of young womanhood. She met, approved, and loved my husband, and she left this earth knowing I was anchored in Christ, as well as being the strong, loving,and dynamic woman that she formed me to be.

My greatest sadness is that she never met my beautiful and miraculous baby girl, who is growing into such a fine person and whom I know she would have loved so intensely. I am also saddened that my daughter will never experience the privilege of sharing time and space with such a force of nature that was my mother.

However, the legacy that is my mother is as real as the words I am keying and you are reading. She is materialized in the image and inspiration that we are sharing through this forum. She is as real as the stories I tell my daughter about her. She is the voice that comes from my love, fear, and anger as I raise this girl-child. And most of all, she is the laugh in my ears when I hear her say to me 'I told you so', as I , myself, continue my journey from child to woman.

Oh, and did I fail to mention that I was adopted? This was an intentional positioning of this fact within this narrative, because that semantical point has always been a footnote in my life.

My mother, Etta Jean Taylor, was and will always be the true essence of what a mother is. Not based on biological mandate; but by the milk of kindness and the nurturing of the heart that designates motherhood in its purest form.

She set my feet firmly on the path of life, anchored in the confidence that I was armed with all I would ever need to succeed, and the critical understanding that this knowlege and power was IN ME, and never, ever in something or someone else.

She was my hero and my best friend and she was a true trip, trust me on that!

I pray that when it is my time to leave this physical life for my eternal one, that my daughter will remember me in the same way. I can rest in that, as well as with the faith that I will see my own mother again.